When I Realized I Was An Atheist & Resources

I recently added a video over on my YT channel titled, 'When I Realized I Was An Atheist', where I talk about my 'coming out' and being an outspoken atheist. Here, I wanted to share the transcript of the video and some resources with links to helpful sites, books, podcasts, and more.

Click here to watch my video and browse the links below (under video transcript) for some of the best resources available.

It's #AtheistDay and I thought it would be the perfect time to talk about when I realized I was an atheist, why I decided to 'come out', and things that have helped me along the way.

Growing up a Pentecostal Christian, I never thought I would be a 'non-believer' Look at me now! I grew up in a small town where I didn't have friends who weren't Christian and also wasn't allowed to listen to or watch anything that considered, 'secular'. I also attended a Lutheran elementary and middle school even though I wasn't Lutheran, and ended up going to a Christian college when I turned 18. When I came back from that Christian College, it took a few years after that experience to eventually realize I no longer believed.

I remember going through this “searching” period. I visited bookstores and my local library for other religions outside of Christianity and in my mid-twenties, wondering which one was actually true. During this time, my husband started listening to a podcast where theists were calling in to talk to atheists. And I found those conversations startling and it was as if I trying to block out what I was hearing in the background, or ignore what I was hearing because what they were saying was going against everything that I had been raised on. A lack of a belief in a God?! Not believing in a heaven or hell?! Eventually, I started actively listening to those conversations, and, after I finally allowed myself to, my curiosity grew and I started listening to other podcasts that were similar and watching online debates of pastors & outspoken atheists and thinking, "huh, the atheist dude has a point there, 'Morals without a god?” I could get behind that.

In this period of my life, I began doing something I had never done before. I started questioning things and thinking for myself.

It was the start of building a skeptical viewpoint, I could recognize bad ideas and throw them out. A quote that comes to mind, from Christopher Hitchens; “Take the risk of thinking for yourself – much more happiness, truth, beauty, and wisdom will come to you that way.”

When you grow up being indoctrinated, you don't know how to think for yourself, you're not taught to think critically or taught how to. You're spoon-fed a specific religion and that religion becomes all that you know. If you were to go against that religion, you'll be thrown into hellfire, the pit of eternal torture and damnation. You'll lose relationships, & depending on what religion your family comes from, you could lose your life.

In my late twenties, I started re-reading the Bible for myself and that's when I had this “ah ha” moment. It was more like a shock. The only way I can describe the feeling is, it was very similar to the feeling of when you first learn someone you love has just died. That shock and horror, and that sense of nothing being real... all of that. I remember being completely stunned, reading my Bible that I had ever since I was a small child and just staring at the words in this, for lack of better phrasing, disbelief.

I thought, wow. I grew up advocating this book??!! People think this is actually true?! And even if it was, people think the Christian god is the good guy?!

It was as if I finally saw the Bible for what it is and I realized throughout my entire childhood and adolescence, it felt like I had been robbed, like I had fallen for a scam my whole life up until that point. And of course that made me angry. Mind you, before re-reading the Bible I had been reading the Brother's Grimm Fairy Tales and I saw this similar writing style; elementary writing with this dark undertone. It had this sinister mood to it but told in a very poorly written way.

Eventually when I realized I didn't believe in any gods... I wanted to become outspoken about it because I didn't want other people to have to go through what I had. The confusion of all of the harmful effects of indoctrination, the crushing nightmare of hell and thinking I might end up there, all of the years spent in church services wasting my time, disregarding science, learning to speak gibberish, I mean, tongues and thinking that should be valued. Honing in on imaginary, spiritual gifts when I could have been doing something much more interesting and useful. Praying and praying and praying, hoping god would hear my prayers and hoping he would respond. Also hoping I would eventually become good enough for god, then realizing I never could.

When you discover something that has helped you, you want to share it, for me it was a better life, a better way of living because as much as I wanted to believe, I truly wanted to believe in an after life, I realized this is it. This is the only life I know of having and I want to take advantage of that by living my best life possible; and helping people is a part of that.

Quoting Carl Sagan, “For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.”

If you're an atheist and you're in a safe place where you can come out, I encourage you to do so. One, for your benefit alone, you start re-inventing your life, and you decide the meaning in it and that's empowering. Also, when I was a “closeted atheist,” I realized I couldn't hold that secret for too long... something about keeping it a secret felt like lying. It became heavy like it was crushing me. It was just coming out. Two, for other people who might hear your story, it does help people. Your story, with your voice is powerful and helpful. It impacts people and it helps other's see, things can get better. It might get worse before it gets better, but eventually, things start to shift. If it is safe for you to tell people you're an atheist, again I encourage you to do so.

I also understand for many people, this isn't the case. I fully understand that in some cases, being an apostate will get you killed.

This is why we call people who come from abuse, survivors. I don't actually love that word in particular, I like to think of people who come from abuse, and abusive religious families, warriors.

Your safety is the number one priority. If it's not safe for you to be outspoken about being an atheist, don't.

Please, stay safe. Maybe later, you can come out. But what matters most is your life, your one, beautiful life. Maybe it doesn't seem that beautiful right now. Maybe you're in a very hard place. I like to think of being hopeful. Hopeful for the future and that things can get better and you deserve that. You deserve your best life for you and for the people you love and care about and possible relationships in the future you don't even have yet.

If you're someone who needs help, there are resources. Below, you'll find organizations, helpful podcasts, YT channels, books to check out, and more. We're all in this together. Happy #AtheistDay.

*I should note, there are several resources online and I've only added a little more than a handful here. I've also found a great amount of support through a few social media websites (Twitter, Facebook) for groups, discussion, and more.*

Organizations:

Ex-Muslims of North America

Freedom From Religion Foundation

Free Hearts Free Minds

LQBTQ Humanist Alliance

Recovering From Religion

Richard Dawkins Foundation

Secular Student Alliance