Indoctrinated & Molested | My Story
Or here to listen to it on my podcast.
Why am I talking about being indoctrinated and being molested in this post? Why not talk about each separately? I have to tell you my story so you can see how damaging religion was in my personal life on top of the sexual abuse. I want to bring awareness to these issues in hopes that it will help someone. This isn't just my story, it's the story of many. My parents are great examples of people who love me and care about me and had great intentions. However, I don't think they'll ever know how their religious beliefs affected my life in a harmful way.
I grew up being indoctrinated into the Pentecostal Christian religion my entire childhood. I remember
seeing people speak in tongues, raise their arms to praise their god, pray and eventually, I began doing those things as well.
I think this was a learned behavior because if you didn't do these things, you were shamed. People in church would judge you for how you praised Jesus and say things like, “well that person doesn't seem close to god because they're not participating in worship” - things like that. I remember there was pressure from other kids and also adults to speak in tongues at a young age. And I wanted to do that because I wanted attention from these people in my life. The more enthusiastic or stultifying you were during worship, the more rewarded you were. You'd get a pat on the back and you would be looked at as the ideal example of a Christian. When you're worshipping like that, it becomes more about you and not even about god. You're gaining from performing. Maybe that person isn't even aware that they're doing that.
My childhood was filled with church, each Sunday morning and night, also Wednesday nights and going to any church activities throughout the week and Jesus Camps in the summer. That's a bad trip.
I went to private school and was taught creationism. I had a science class in Lutheran school and they taught the scientific method, but it wasn't valued. I was taught to distrust it. If the teacher mentioned evolution or The Big Bang Theory, it was told like, “well some people think this happened but that's just silly because we know god created the world because it says so in the Bible.”
Because you always have to believe it if it's in a book right?
From a young age, I was repeatedly told that my mind just didn't do science or math.
I was also misdiagnosed with a mysterious learning disability. When I was tested, it was clear I had learning disabilities, however I was never told what kind of learning disability I had. I mean there are how many that we know of to this day, from ADHD, dyslexia, language processing disorder, auditory processing disorder and dysgraphia, just to name a few.
When someone is tested and found to have a learning disability, they are told what they have and ways to accommodate that specific LD. At that time in my life when I was being tested, no one knew what was going on outside of those walls – I was being molested. Even if I was found to have an LD or diagnosed with something, they didn't factor in a huge part of my life – childhood sexual abuse.
The abuse started when I was around 4 or 5 years old and lasted until I was about 10. That entire time, I was being raped and molested by a family member. I was forced to perform sex acts on this person and they performed sex acts on me.
My parents tried to protect me from the world and it's harm and secular ideas. I wasn't allowed to listen to non-Christian music, watch non-Christian tv or movies, unless it was Disney or Nickelodeon.
My dad was a little more lenient on this but even at my parents best attempts to protect me, I was still being raped in their own house by a family member. When these incidents took place, my family was in either the next room, down the hall or downstairs.
I remember screaming when I was being raped... because it hurt. My abuser held my mouth shut with both his hands. The rest of my family was downstairs and I remember hearing someone ask, “Was that Sarah?” And someone else responded with, “yeah but it's ok, she's with so-and-so.”
No one checked on me. Other times this family member made me perform oral sex on him and someone walked in on us but I was under a blanket... and whoever walked in didn't seem to notice anything. Which is very strange to me. That kind of thing happened quite a bit.
I grew up being afraid of men. What puzzles me still is how none of the adults in my life saw anything. Or maybe they chose not to notice it. The abuse, the red flags of trauma; my grades just plummeting, I was a bed wetter, that's embarrassing to talk about. I had outbursts of anger, I would act out sexually at a very young age and I also had this extreme shyness around adults. I really didn't like adults. The abuse happened anytime my family got together for holidays, family visits... I also lived right next door to this person.
Since talking about my experience with sexual abuse and trauma in a previous video, I've gotten several emails, Facebook messages and tweets from you guys telling me my story is your story.
I've gotten messages from young girls, boys, adult men and women telling me they've gone through a similar experience or are currently going through this.
During the time I was molested, I would attend church and was told that if I had sex before marriage or had any intimate encounters, I was worthless, dirty and used up. Now, this might sound familiar to you, if you've heard Elizabeth Smart's story. She was kidnapped by Brian David Mitchell and his wife, Wanda Barzee.
Mitchell claimed to be a religious prophet.
I think most people are aware or have heard of stories of people who do something horrific in the name of god. I know some people also do great things in the name of their god but let's look at this story.
He held Smart at a camp in the woods with Barzee, where he repeatedly raped her. Since her abduction, Smart has gone on to become an advocate for missing persons and victims of sexual assault. She has also shared her experience in a TedTalk of being told this same thing, if you've had any sexual encounters, you're dirty and unclean and used up. (link to story)
When you are a child and you are being indoctrinated, you're not taught how to think for yourself, even if you could, you're not allowed to. Critical thinking skills are not learned and logic is thrown out the window. I felt incredibly stupid. My self esteem was shot.
My fear of hell was my biggest fear and that was horrifying. It sounds silly kind of, now because I don't believe in hell but I remember that fear. It slowly went away. I also remember early thoughts of wondering if I really believed in this christian god. And then I would feel so much guilt and shame for my thoughts. I thought my thoughts were sins. Just the idea... I don't think I believe in this god, that was a betrayal to my family. If someone in Sunday school asked about a contradiction in the Bible, they were scolded.. how dare you question god's word and his divine plan. Shame! I just thought of Cersei Lannister and her walk of atonement in Game of Thrones and the crowd is chanting shame! Shame! Shame! Ehhh religion...
As a girl, growing up with the Christian religion, I didn't feel empowered, I felt weak, small and again, very unintelligent. Feeling ashamed just for being a woman. Just being a female alone, you get the sense that your voice doesn't matter. In 1 Timothy 2:12 it says, “Do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be kept quiet.” Then also in 1 Cor. 14:34 “Women should remain silent in churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says.”
I have found myself almost subconsciously repeating those verses in my mind for years.
That silence that started from my childhood was carried through my adolescence and adulthood. Sometimes even now, I'll just notice, when someone asks my opinion, I want to answer them but it's like I have to give myself permission to speak my mind. I hate that and it makes sense. If you guys remember a couple years ago, I came out as an atheist and then I didn't talk about it again... until now. Around that same time I also told all of you my story about being molested and then I just stopped talking about that as well.
I can't keep quiet about topics I care about. I can't stay silent anymore. I think it's very important to have critical discussions on not only these topics but about other things that affect human life, animal life, our earth, politics, ethics, all these things and more. Another thing I'll notice I'll do, is, say my opinion, and then I'll recant my words or wave them off as if they're not worth anyone's time. So I'll speak my mind and then take it all back by saying something like, but I don't know. Or but what do I know? I'm 29... I know nothing.. I've also noticed my my voice getting very, very quiet on issues I care about and that's a habit I'm breaking.
So being molested, not having access to science really, being indoctrinated and then told that I had some obscure learning disability. By that point, I had already given up on learning.
I remember being terrified of my teachers. I didn't listen to them, I didn't want to listen to them. I was scared they wanted me to perform sexual acts on them. Those were my thoughts and then feeling so much guilt and shame thanks to church, for my sinful thoughts and sexual knowledge, experiences.
I remember this thought escalated when I was paired with a private tutor. I remember just thinking, “I really don't want to go down on her right now. I hope she doesn't make me do that.” I was 8 or 9 then. So I would just lay my head down on the desk and tune her out. This is when I realized I wasn't only afraid of men, I was afraid of women too, I was afraid of adults.
When you're a kid, you're supposed to do what adults tell you to do. Even if it's wrong. Or if it's something you don't get a choice in but you know it's harmful to you. Childs rights...
And this happens more than you'd think – the fact that, sometimes, kids get mis-diagnosed with a learning disability. Or now knowing that ADHD looks very similar to trauma.
I was watching a TedTalk recently, hehe TedTalks but does he listen? With Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris who spoke about how childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime.
She said something along the lines of, imagine you're out in the woods and you're camping or you're on a hike and you see a bear. Now that's terrifying but you're also out in the woods and you're more likely to cross paths with a bear because – you're out in the woods. Nature!
Now, imagine seeing that bear in your home. You're in your house, you go into another room and that bear is in the room with you.
That fear is exactly how I felt when I was little. There was no where that felt safe. My brain was on high alert constantly wondering when the next round of abuse was going to happen.
I also developed a fear of my dad. He never did anything to me, but I was always afraid that he would. I didn't trust anyone, especially people in my own family.
I remember apologizing to my dad. I told him I was sorry it happened, I still was feeling all of this guilt because at that time in my life, I thought the sexual abuse was my fault. I told my dad I was sorry I pushed him away because of what this other person did to me. And he just gave me a hug and told me that he understood and that it wasn't my fault and that he was so sorry.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was tell. I never even thought I would tell anyone this huge secret I had carried with me for so long. I told my parents when I was 13 years old.
And nothing happened. A police report was never filed. I did see a therapist but I wasn't ready to talk about it.
My parents asked me what should be done and I didn't know. So nothing happened.
It should have been reported. This also means it can be anonymously reported, so let's say you're a teacher and you notice a kid maybe showing signs of trauma; they're not doing in well in school, they seem distant and isolated, maybe they are irritable, acting out... these are just a few things mentioned, but if you have a suspicion that a child is being harmed maybe at their home or anywhere, try talking to that kid. But even if they tell you or not, you can call and report it and this can be an anonymous call.
I remember not wanting to tell because I didn't want to hurt my family. I didn't want my abuser to get into trouble, I wanted to protect him. I didn't want to have to look my mom in the eyes, my dad in the eyes and say, “I've been molested, and I'm so sorry, and I don't know how to tell you this, but I need help.”
I didn't want to see my parents hurt. But I did tell them.
I've learned recently how normalized childhood sexual abuse is. It shouldn't be this way. In an ideal world, a kid could tell someone they're being abused and the adult would believe them and protect them from further harm. In a perfect world, child abuse would never happen.
But we don't live in a perfect world. Children are vulnerable. And the worst human beings in the world take advantage of them and hurt them.
That's something else I've discovered since uploading my story a couple years ago about being molested. Every letter I get, the child who is in that situation currently wants desperately to get out. And they are terrified. They want help but they don't know who to ask for it. They're more so scared of how the person they tell is going to react. They're afraid of being shamed, blamed and not believed.
Why would a child make this up?
If you're a kid who has experienced this, you need to know it's not your fault, it was never your fault.
If you're a child and you need help please look through the description bar. There are resources. If you're an adult and you notice a kid struggling, please don't be afraid to start a conversation with that kid and just ask them, “what's really going on? You can trust me, you can tell me anything.” If you're an adult and a kid tells you they've been hurt this way I encourage you to also look at the description bar for what to do in this situation and how to get help.
If you notice something, say something. I wish more than anything someone would have come to my rescue, I wish someone would have stepped in and been my voice. I think that's why when I see someone get angry about child abuse I feel liberated somehow. I wish I could have seen an adult be angry about what happened to me when I was little. I've noticed a trend with certain people, and this is just my own theory, but, some people who normalize child abuse, my guess is they've probably been victims of abuse too and they haven't allowed themselves to acknowledge that. Realize it, process it, think about it and then get help for themselves.
Sometimes when you're processing the truth, it can be really hard to digest. I think you have this sense of shock and denial, and then questioning.
When I've opened up about being molested before, someone would make the comment, “I was molested when I was little, so what... just get over it.” Oh, ok, why didn't I think of that? I'll just get over it! The lack of logic is astonishing. Everyone together now, let's all sweep our shit under this massive rug, never to be looked at again, but god what's that smell?!
Sorry, I feel like sometimes if I get upset about something I'll emulate Bill Burr's mannerisms when he gets worked up. Hey everybody what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and IAAAAAAHHHHH'm just checking in on ya, Zip...... recruiter. I don't normally do impressions but there you go. If you don't listen to his podcast then that really won't make sense to you.
I'm an atheist, and my life has just flipped for the better. If you had told me as a kid, you're gonna get through this and not only that you're going to really enjoy life, I wouldn't have believed you.
When life gives you lemons... NO! Life beats you with them. But you heal.
Things that have helped me; seeing a great therapist (there is such a huge difference between a good therapist and a bad one, more on that in a second.) Talking with a good therapist, learning how to meditate and practicing it, has really helped, I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and just noticing or being more aware of when I would start to feel anxiety or some sort of wave of a panic attack, my therapist also taught me grounding techniques, which is, placing your feet on the floor and noticing what's in the room with you at this moment.
Sometimes when I talked with a therapist, about a scary memory, when you have PTSD, and you're talking about that scary experience, and you have a flashback, it's like boom, all the sudden you're there in that scary memory and you're not really here right now, my therapist called it mentally time traveling. You're re-living that horror and you remember where you were, you remember senses you had in that moment, smells, tastes, everything. But just doing that grounding technique and coming back to the present moment, over time, those PTSD moments started going away. I can talk about my experience now without it exhausting me like it used to but it doesn't anymore.
Meditation helped me notice certain emotions creeping up, like anxiety, and by the time I noticed or was aware of those kinds of emotions creeping in, they were already leaving, they were already going away. I remember the first time I tried meditating, it was with a therapist who introduced me to it. It was like I had walked into her office with the posture of Nosferatu and then noticing that. Carrying tension in my upper body and in my face, that sounds creepy but ah... that's better. Also, something that's helped is my self care checklist – workout, eat well, sleep well, take care of yourself – mentally, physically.
I remember two instances of seeing bad therapists, and this is another reason, of many why religion is harmful. The first one was when I was coming out to myself as an atheist and I told her this and her response was, “well you need to re-read the bible because clearly you don't get it...you just don't get it” Ok turning to the bible, NIV edition... Deuteronomy 22:23-24. “If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her, 24. you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death—the young woman because she was in a town and did not scream for help, and the man because he violated another man’s wife. You must purge the evil from among you.”
hmm... let me stroke my imaginary 900 year old Abraham beard and ponder this over – NO! I'll take 'that's not moral for 200'. As a woman, I am man's property... I can be raped and stoned to death because I was raped... Clearly, I don't get that!
This is also when I was re-reading the bible and that's what made me an atheist.
When you're indoctrinated, you grow up with blinders on. I just chose to take mine off.
Another moment was when I attended a Christian college in Griffin, GA I just went through their rigorous, abusive Jesus Boot Camp, where they ran us for 24 hours straight, didn't let us have our cell phones or watches to see what time it was, the only thing we ate during those 3 days was this gloopy, unflavored oatmeal, we were unaware of where we were being taken to and didn't know how long we would be there - and many other things happened at this camp - I had just turned 18 and that is another video in itself. I'm not going to fit that story into this video. If you'd like to hear me talk about it, let me know.
Anyway, back to the example of another horrible therapist. She was a Christian counselor at the school and church – the school was in a church. When I got back from boot camp, I told her I was anxious and depressed and I needed to leave the school. Her response to me was to not let Satan and his demons get to me. She said, don't listen to the devil, listen to god and stay close to god. Great advice!
Again – my life is so much better now. Also, I've discovered another thing atheists have in common besides the whole not being convinced a god or deity's exist thing. We all follow Sarah Silverman on Twitter – Ok, maybe not all atheists do this but she is the one who told us “Jesus is Magic.”
My life now, I live in California, I'm married to my best friend, we have a small dog. I love learning... and I love reading about science and psychology, and learning from philosophers and scientists and psychologists, reading the paper, listening to various lectures, debates, presentations and podcasts. I love languages – I'm currently learning Spanish and French and I'm also really interested in sign language.
I love learning about trauma and how it affects the brain, learning more about meditating and how that affects the mind. I could go and on – about my love for learning but I won't.
My hope is that just talking about these issues and bringing awareness to them, it's like I'm in a dark cave and I'm shining a light on this, really taking a close look at these topics and hoping other people will see a way out too. I'm adding resources below. There are ways of getting help if you need them.
RAINN - The Nation's Largest Anti-Sexual Violence Organization
-Sarah
